


It's Not Enough That He Did It, It's How He Did it

by Shadowmightwrite17



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reveal Fic, Simon's feelings on being outed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 22:44:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15034937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowmightwrite17/pseuds/Shadowmightwrite17
Summary: Bram finds Simon crying outside the theater and comforts him as Simon tells him all the things that went wrong. Bram can't imagine all Simon has gone through, and it gives him courage to do the thing he's wanted to for weeks now.





	It's Not Enough That He Did It, It's How He Did it

**Author's Note:**

> This is a mix of Simon vs. The Homo Spapien Agenda and Love, Simon. It's got some of the events of Love, Simon, and the emails and some of the dialogue comes from Simon vs. THSA
> 
> I'd like to mention that it has continuously bothered me that nobody addresses how awful Martin's message was, basically implying Simon was a prostitute. I saw only one fanfiction story address it, so that's what inspired this idea, Simon voicing how that wording made him feel, and the trauma and anxiety of blackmail.
> 
> The title refers to Martin's actions and how he did things. It also refers to Bram's decision to tell Simon, and how he does it.

As Bram strayed from the soccer field, in the background he could hear his team joking around as they did warm up exercises. He left practice before it began, telling his coach he felt nauseated. He never missed practice, even on days when his stomach felt ill, so the coach kindly let him go with a warning to be early tomorrow.

Bram tucked his hands into his jacket pockets and walked around the back of the school to the student parking lot. His mind was occupied with his emails, the ones that had been posted to the creeksecrets Tumblr. He saw the post for the first time today. He hadn’t seen the Tumblr post while it was up, it had been deleted before he found out Simon was outed. Somebody had screenshotted the original post though, and had been showing everyone in school.

Simon had been outed in a way so horrible Bram could never have imagined it, even in nightmares. And those emails were out on the internet for everyone to see.

Someone screenshotted the post before it was taken down. Nothing on the internet can ever be erased, how cruel was that. So Bram had seen which emails had been shared.

He didn’t even know how that happened. How did someone get their emails.

It stung worse when Bram thought back to the emails they’d exchanged since Simon was outed.

_Jacques, I’m almost positive I know who you are…_

_I think I know who you are too… Just for fun, I’m guessing… blue eyes… and you once pushed me down a dark hallway in a rolling chair…_

_I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m the person you think I am…_

_I’m sorry Blue. I hope this doesn’t make things weird between us… God, I feel like such an idiot…_

_Anyway, it looks like things are working out the way you wanted them to. So good for you…_

_Working out the way I wanted them too? What the heck are you talking about? … Seriously I don’t know what in God’s holy name you’re talking about, because pretty much nothing seems to be working out the way I want it to…_

Wasn’t it working out though? With Cal? He wasn’t an idiot. It didn’t take long to notice Cal suddenly grew more interested in Simon after school started again, and then realize that all the questions Simon asked would be answered correctly if he asked Cal.

It didn’t help that he overheard Abby mention it to Nick over lunch, lunch with Simon avoided.

Simon had avoided pretty much every lunch the last week and a half since the cafeteria incident. Bram wasn’t sure he’d ever forget Spencer and Aaron acting out that awful skit, or forget how horrified Simon looked as it played out. Seeing Simon in the halls was beginning to haunt him.

Because Simon wouldn’t feel that way about Bram if he ever found out he was Blue. But Bram couldn’t tear himself away from Simon. Even as his email was flooded for three days with trolling email, Bram couldn’t bring himself to just abandon Simon. But it didn’t stop it from hurting when he tried to connect.

He walked around the south side of the building. It was then that he saw the small figure huddled up against the brick wall, next to the exit of the theatre. Bram stopped, lingering behind a tree as he looked on at the brunet boy shivering in his hoodie.

Or, it seemed he was shivering.

His shoulders were shaking, but his hands were rubbing anxiously at his eyes like he expected to cry.

Bram felt his chest twisting in knots tangled in painful sadness and longing. Slowly, his feet began to move him towards Simon Spier.

“Simon,” He called out softly as he neared.

Simon looked up with a broken, scared expression that tore pieces into Bram. He looked like he expected something awful to happen any second.

“Yeah?” He asked, his voice quiet and croaky.

Bram hesitated for a moment. “Are you okay?” He asked.

Simon pulled at his bottom lip with his teeth and looked away. I mirthless laugh escaped his throat, short and shallow and pained. “Great,” He whispered.

Without thinking, Bram sat down on the damp, cold grass. In front of Simon, but slightly to the right, so that his left knee brushed against Simon’s right knee. Simon flinched and Bram panicked, pulling away a little.

“What happened?” Bram asked. Too, too many things happened. What happened wasn’t a question that could be answered easily, but it was the best he could seem to manage.

Simon looked closer to tears now. “This time?” He whispered, risking a glance at Bram. He swallowed, taking a deep breath. “Martin keeps apologizing, like it will make everything better, but it keeps getting worse and Martin seems to think I should forgive him, makes me feel guilty for ignoring him, but… every time I look at him I think of what he put me through and everything just hurts.”

Bram stared for a long moment, worry that bordered on horror at the possibility of Simon’s meaning. “What did Martin do?” Bram asked slowly, afraid of the answer.

Simon’s face twisted and he looked at Bram. “Nobody told you?” He asked, his voice so painfully low, breaking.

Bram shook his head.

Simon let out a strangled laugh, trying to calm himself but only putting himself through more pain, because this didn’t seem like something you could laugh your way out of.

“Martin blackmailed me for months.” Simon whispered, staring at the ground.

“Martin made the post and shared those screenshots?” Bram asked. He felt dizzy and nauseated at that.

Simon nodded.

“Why?” Bram asked.

“What would he blackmail me? Or why would he share them?” Simon asked, and it sounded rhetorical, or that there was no answer to begin with. “He had this crush on Abby, and he was using me to get to her. He wanted me to talk about him to Abby, invite him places to go with.”

Bram thought to the lunches where Martin had sat with them, and how absolutely miserable Simon had looked. He thought of the Halloween party Martin was somehow invited to.

“But Abby didn’t… well, she didn’t like him. Of course she wouldn’t, Martin’s a creep.” Simon stared at the grass. “There was this afternoon of theatre when a bunch of us were just hanging around causing trouble. Martin decided to ask Abby out, she said no, then Martin saw her sit with me. It made him angry, like this was somehow my fault, and the last thing he said to me before he posted everything was more or less ‘fuck you.’”

A tear slipped down Simon’s cheek and he looked away, anywhere but Bram’s face.

“And what’s worse is Abby, Nick, and Leah found out what I did, and they’re mad at me. I screwed up, I screwed up so much.” Simon whispered weakly, almost whimpered.

“I’m so sorry Simon,” Bram whispered, his heart breaking.

More tears slipped down his cheeks. “Coming out, it was supposed to be this thing only I had control over. Only I could decide when I came out, who I came out too, and how I told them. Martin robbed me of all that. Even the people I told I only told because I was living under the fear that he would out me any second now and they would find out before I told them.”

Simon choked on tears. Bram moved himself so he was next to Simon and pulled him into his arms. Simon sobbed on his shoulder for a moment, curling into Bram.

“It was so much worse than I ever imagined. It wasn’t just that he told everyone. He made it sound like I was some kind of prostitute he was pimping out, like I could just be used. I’ve never even kissed a boy before, but when I got to school I had some football player push me against the locker and pretended he was about to kiss me, and I was scared because that wasn’t how I wanted it to happen. Do you know how horrible that is, to have someone just manhandle you and assume what you want and just…”

He couldn’t finish that sentence, and the sobbing grew worse. Bram held on tightly. He thought of Halloween and the girl who pushed herself onto him, and how he never wanted that, and thank god Simon had stopped him and gotten some sense into him. But he didn’t think that quite compared, because the football player was just doing it to torment Simon. The girl just liked him.

“Everything Martin did… It made me feel wrong. Everything I did for him made me feel wrong and ashamed of who I was and what I was doing and then he outs me like that and the feeling just won’t go away.”

Bram rested his chin on Simon, holding him tightly. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You shouldn’t feel ashamed of who you are. I understand why you did it. It wasn’t your fault what happened, you didn’t have a choice.” Bram whispered. He couldn’t imagine being in Simon’s position. He didn’t think he’d be able to survive that.

“You’re the only one then,” Simon whispered. He curled into Bram, holding on tightly. “My friends, they don’t see it that way. They kept telling me I had another choice, that if I had just told them instead of lying, everything would have turned out better. But they don’t get it. Telling someone like that isn’t something you just do.”

“You weren’t ready to tell them.” Bram whispered into Simon’s hair.

Simon shook in his arms and cried, trying so hard to keep quiet. “I thought I would be ready to tell them. I thought I was ready, but now… It’s happened and I was never ready.”

Bram nodded. “I’m so sorry it happened to you.”

“I wasn’t even just doing it for me. I was doing it to protect someone else, protect them from this shitstorm, and they just… they don’t care.”

Bram felt sick.

“The email guy?” Bram whispered, twisting his neck to look at Simon.

Simon’s watering grey eyes met Bram’s, tears slipping down his cheeks. He chewed on his lip and nodded weakly. “I still managed to screw everything up.” His voice was so small.

“It’s not your fault what happened with Martin.” Bram insisted.

Simon shook his head. “I hurt Blue anyway.”

Bram didn’t know what to say. He wanted to dispute that, that Simon would never do anything to hurt him, but Bram couldn’t deny that Simon thinking he was Cal hadn’t hurt. It hurt a lot.

“I just fucked up, everything. I just fucked up.” Simon shook, pulling himself away from Bram. He pulled his knees in, wrapping his arms around them. “I was so stupid.”

“You weren’t stupid, you were doing what you had to.” Bram whispered. He wanted so bad to hold Simon again, but he didn’t think Simon would allow that.

“I’m not talking about Martin,” Simon cried, burying his head under his arms, forehead pressed to his knees. “I hurt Blue’s feelings. I didn’t mean to, I was just being stupid. Simon Logic my dad calls it.”

“I don’t think I understand,” Bram admitted honestly.

“I wanted so much to find him I kept looking for hints of him in other people and I thought I knew but I didn’t. When I asked, I know I just hurt his feelings.” Simon murmured. Bram could hear his voice cracking more.

Simon stood suddenly, and Bram worried as he swayed for a moment, looking dizzy.

“I should go leave.” He muttered, looking anywhere but at Bram.

“Leave to where?” Bram asked, standing slowly.

“Home, bed,” Simon answered, staring at the ground.

“Let me drive you home,” Bram requested.

Simon shook his head stubbornly. “Simon, please. Let me take you home.” Bram repeated.

“Why do you care?” Simon asked quietly, risking a glance at Bram with eyes filled with worry, fear even.

“I just do,” Bram answered, shifting uncomfortably. “I just don’t want you to be alone.”

Simon stared at him for a moment, uncertain. “Okay,” He whispered, looking away. Maybe he didn’t want to be alone either, not anymore.

Bram walked Simon to his car, letting the silence settle on them for a moment.

When Bram started the car, his music started playing. His iPod had been playing his tiny collection of Elliott Smith when he drove to school, and now Between the Bars started playing. Simon looked down, breaking just a little at the soft guitar melody. Tears began to fall again.

“Do you want me to change it?” Bram asked softly.

Simon shook his head quickly, wiping away tears. Bram nodded and drove the car out of the parking lot.

He’d picked Nick up from Simon’s once or twice, he knew which street and which house. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Simon curl up into himself again.

The song switched to Say Yes as Bram entered Simon’s neighborhood.

_Situations get so fuck up… and turned around sooner or later… I could be another fool or an exception to the rule…_

Bram could hear Simon sobbing again, and he knew it was a bad idea to play this music.

_I’m damaged bad at best… she’ll decide what she wants… They want you or they don’t…_

“Goddammit,” Simon cried.

Bram pulled onto the side of the street, a block from Simon’s house. He paused the music, letting silence fill the car again. All he could hear was Simon’s quiet crying.

“I’m sorry,” Bram whispered, his voice soft and his heart breaking for Simon.

Simon shook his head, muttered that it wasn’t Bram’s fault, and Bram couldn’t help but feel that somehow it was his fault.

“They want you or they don’t.” Simon croaked out the verse. “He very much doesn’t want me.”

Bram held still for a long moment.

_I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really do understand if you don’t find me attractive…_

Bram wanted, for a very quick moment, to tell Simon how stupid he could be. Because nobody could look at Simon and not be attracted to him. Bram had kept his crush on Simon a secret for two years now, too shy to ever speak to Simon because how intimidated he was by him.

Bram could, quietly, relate to what Simon said about trying to find details of someone in everyone else because of how badly you wanted to find that someone, to just know.

He’d spent weeks taking bits of Jacques’ emails and holding them up to Simon, wondering if they were the same person. He was right in the end, and he was secretly so happy it was Simon and not someone else but… what if it hadn’t been Simon? He would still love Jacques, love Jacques more than he ever liked Simon.

“You said you guessed wrong about Blue. Were you disappointed it wasn’t that other person?” Bram asked carefully.

Simon shook his head, sitting up more. Bram wanted so much to brush away the tears on his cheeks. “I didn’t like Cal until I thought maybe he could be Blue, but even after Cal semi-asked me out, I didn’t want anything to do with him. I love Blue, nobody else really matters.” Simon admitted.

Bram smiled a little.

“But I don’t think Blue wanted me to be Jacques.” Simon whispered.

That smile fell.

“I don’t think that’s true,” Bram admitted, his voice soft.

“He hates me,” Simon whispered, staring down at his hands.

Bram frowned and looked back at the plastic bag in his backseat. That email…

_I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really do understand if you don’t find me attractive…_

Around Christmas Bram found an Elliot Smith concert t-shirt on eBay. He ordered it, thinking maybe he could give Jacques a very late Christmas gift if they ever met in person, and it had finally arrived Friday. At the time Bram was still a little mad at Simon for guessing wrong, and then he got that last email and decided he needed to give it to Simon right away, to promise that he wasn’t going anywhere.

He’d spent two hours Sunday night composing the note he stuck in the shirt. He’d been planning on leaving it at Simon’s locker this morning, but he got to school late.

When he planned it out in his head, he pictured Simon taking it home and trying it on right away. He’d fine the note as he wore it and see Bram’s note, and he’d text Bram, or even call him. Bram would pick up and Simon would hear his voice and just know.

Bram reached back into the backseat and grabbed the plastic bag with the shirt.

“I don’t hate you.” Bram murmured, handing it to Simon.

Simon held it in his hands, staring at it for a long moment before he looked up at Bram. He saw the vulnerable pain in Simon’s eyes, and a little bit of weak hope trying to break through.

“Open it,” Bram urged.

Simon unwrapped the plastic bag slowly and stared at the Elliott Smith shirt. He pulled out the note written on blue-green construction paper.

“I’m sure Elliott understands you would have made it to his shows if you could have.” Bram repeated what was on the note.

Simon’s wide moon-grey eyes turned back up to Bram, confused and hopeful, and afraid to be wrong. He looked down at the shirt, holding it in his hands as his fingers brushed across the soft fabric.

“There’s a note inside the shirt.” Bram added awkwardly.

Those scared and hopeful eyes went back to him again, and Simon carefully unfolded the shirt to find the second note.

“P.S. I love the way you smile like you don’t realize you’re doing it. I love your perpetual bed head. I love the way you hold eye contact a moment longer than you need to. And I love your moon-grey eyes. So if you think I’m not attracted to you, Simon, you’re crazy.” Bram recited the note, unable to fight the wide smile as he admitted to all the things he’d wanted to say for so long.

“It’s you,” Simon breathed.

“It’s me,” Bram promised.

Simon launched into a hug, holding Bram tightly. “I can’t believe it’s you.” Simon whispered into his shoulder.

“I thought I was so obvious,” Bram laughed.

“No,” Simon disagrees, pulling away.

“I think I wanted you to know.” Bram admits.

“Then why didn’t you just tell me?” Simon asked.

Bram looked down at Simon’s hands, wrapped gently around the shirt. “Because I thought if you had been looking for it to be me, I think you would have guessed it yourself.” His voice shook slightly because now he was starting to lose his nerve.

“But you never gave me any clues.”

“I did, my email address.”

“Bluegreen118.”

“Bram Louis Greenfeld. My birthday.” Bram smiled shyly.

Simon muttered something about Simon logic, and Bram felt he was going to have to ask Simon to give him an exact definition, but he felt he knew what Simon meant anyway.

“I’m an idiot.” Simon whispered.

“No, you’re not.” Bram disagreed softly.

Simon looked down. “I’m sorry for not figuring it out, for guessing wrong. I was an idiot.” He whispered.

“You’re not an idiot. It was unfair for me to ask you to just know.” Bram whispered.

He pulled Simon into a gentle hug, which Simon returned tightly.

“I’m happy it’s you,” Simon confessed softly.

“I’m happy it’s you,” Bram returned, meaning every word of it.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is dedicated for all the kind reviewers of my first Simon vs. THSA fanfiction that I posted last night. I don't often get so much encouragement for my writing, and it was so kind of everyone.


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